I haven't blogged in a long time, and I have been very bad about keeping up before that as well. I never thought grad school would be so all-consuming, but it is. I am doing well, and am discovering that I am pretty dang talented at this teaching thing. However, I haven't done anything creative, in terms of writing, in a long time. Perhaps I need to make the effort to blog more so that I don't feel quite so lost. And it's not that I feel lost in the sense that I have no direction, because I certainly know where I am going. But I rarely think about blogging anymore, and that makes me feel sad.
I am, however, SUPER SUPER excited about the wedding, which is less than two months away!
Yes, yes, I have been entirely absent for far too long, and then I suddenly show up screaming bloody murder and asking for help, when really, I should have been here all along, filling you all in instead of ignoring everyone. Sigh. I am dismayed that graduate school killed my will to blog, and that summer has been nothing more than one day after another looking after Justin's daughters. It's not that I mind, necessarily, but it's put a huge damper on my creativity, and I have done minimal wedding planning (really minimal--I have given myself until the end of August to make all major decisions, because once school starts again, I will be unavailable for decisions that don't involve lesson plans and classic literature). Justin and I have completed our Pre-Cana classes (Catholic stuff), and have been journaling and being much in love...and my dear friend Sonnet has been helping greatly with facilitating my neuroses when it comes to planning. Because I can't make up my mind about anything. We went to two different salons a week ago to look at dresses, and the I liked nearly everything I tried on (it didn't help--or DID it?!--that everything looked pretty good on me, considering I am a plus-size girl, and I was pretty sure this would be a nightmare). This is where you guys come in. I have narrowed my choices down to two dresses, which are fairly similar (thus the inability to choose). I am going to include a third dress just for shits and giggles, and because it's totally the opposite of what I think I want (but was a front-runner for a long time--the pics of me in the dress even elicited a GASP from Justin when he saw them)...Okay, okay, enough talking, onto the dresses... (Oh, did I mention the wedding is on Friday, December 18th? And it's one week after finals?) Oh, and a reminder to click small photos to make them bigger and more detailed and more fun to look at!
Dress #1
This is the dress that I had been dreaming about back when Justin and I were just fantasizing about getting married. I found it online six months after we started dating (yes, we were discussing getting married that early on), and thought it would be totally out of my league. Well, not so much. (Please click here for access to the style online, featuring NOT ME in the dress...) I thought trying on this dress would be a massive splurge, and I was pleased and surprised that it looked so good on me the first time I tried it on. I love the color (who says wedding dresses have to just white or ivory!), and the embroidery. I much more into decorative stitching then beading. But, I was also incredibly skeptical. First, it's strapless. I can't help it, but as a woman with considerable boobage, strapless dresses make me incredibly nervous. And while I liked that the dress actually stayed up and my boobs didn't spill out and over, I don't like so much the way my back creates a little muffin top. Blah. Second, red doesn't really go with my wedding colors. Am I really the kind of girl who is into colors and themes so much? Not really. But it would mean a change in focus when I felt we had already nailed something down (namely, purple, as much because it's UW Husky colors as well as the colors of Advent...oh boy). Third, I don't know why, but this dress feels gimicky to me. Is it really timeless and simple like I want my wedding dress to be? This is the dress that Justin gasped over, however, and while I don't know if I am feeling it anymore, it's important that my man's jaw dropped when he saw pictures of me in it (he refuses to actually see me in person in the dress until the wedding day). What do you all think? Does it need to still be in the running? Or is it best left at the store? I LOVED it the first time I tried it on, and much less the second time (which was just a few days ago).
Dress #2
This dress was brought to me by my bridal consultant. (Again, a link to the online description.) She had listened carefully to what I wanted, and pretty much brought out my ideal. Simple, with straps (which I consider almost a necessity), fun details like an asymmetrical skirt, and really beautiful, subtle beading. This dress feels classic and elegant. I think that *I* gasped when I walked out of the dressing room and caught my first glimpse of myself in the mirror across the way. I adore the neckline, and the way it makes my boobs look nice and not "on display" (although you will notice that I did bend over to take some silly cleavage shots--which means that I felt damn sexy, and less worried about my boobs than I did when they were more covered by the strapless dress). I also appear to have a waist in this dress. Seriously. I also love the way it looks from the back. Trying this on the second time, I was pleased with how comfy it felt, and how easy it was to move around in. My mom loves this dress (she has only seen the pictures of me in it, as she is back in California). I actually have no complaints whatsoever about this dress. None. Except that if I choose this dress, I might still yearn for the next dress (which is the very last dress I tried on at David's Bridal). And if that's all I have to worry about, then this is probably "the one." Right? What do you think? I have lied awake at night, thinking about this dress. It must be a sign.
Dress #3
After trying on several other dresses after the one above (and being pretty sure that the one above was THE ONE), I saw another bride trying this dress on, and I told my consultant that I needed to try it on too, IMMEDIATELY. Sonnet and I were practically on our way out the door when I turned around and said I needed to try it on. It was that last minute. It's not a dress that I would have chosen looking through the catalog, which is what surprised me even more. I put it on, and immediately felt gorgeous. It's a delicious ivory, and the beading under the bust is called "champagne." Whatever it is, it's beautiful. It is similar to the other dress, in that it has straps, and makes my boobs look YUMMY (my mom says it makes them look too big). It looks great from the back! It's a lighter satin then the other two, and feels more fluid and flow-y. The empire waist is pretty...although I worry that it emphasizes that I want to hide my stomach rather than actually hiding it. Sonnet had pointed out the first time that it seemed like you could see my undergarments through the fabric, which I never would have noticed with my poor vision, although I don't know if I really see anything amiss. When I tried this dress on the second time, I had to wait for some time
to try on the next one (the one above) because my consultant was with
another bride. This was totally fine by me, as I wandered around the
store with Indiana, had her take pictures, giggled like a school girl,
and admired myself from every angle. This dress is incredibly
comfortable. It fits perfectly. Again, it's one of those situations where I adore the dress, but think about the other dress when I think too much about making a commitment. My dad likes this one the most, and we all know how important it is to please your daddy. :)
Other Dresses (Because I know you want to see them...)
These are all from a different bridal salon (Alfred Angelo), and are all considerably more expensive. But they are still awesome.
This one is Sonnet's favorite! She kept saying it looks like freshly fallen snow. She apparently had to prevent herself from crying when she saw me walk out of the dressing room in it. I loved her reaction!
I made this yummy soup- on Monday. It was delish, but took a lot of prep time, because I made the won tons myself. You can save the won tons in the freezer for a few months if need be, and you don't even need to thaw them when finally putting them in soup, you just have to increase the cooking time. I used premade won ton wrappers, so I may have cheated for some purists, but it still took a long time. There were some key prep tools needed...such as original episodes of "90210" that I watched online while folding my won tons.
The won ton filling is basically ground pork, chopped green onions, very small amounts of soy sauce and sesame oil, and a touch of salt. To cook the won tons, you bring them to a boil three times, stopping the boil each time with a cup of cold water. A fun process. The broth is just chicken stock, with fresh baby spinach leaves, green onions and cilantro.
But not this year. We will remember this year forever. Or as long as our minds will let us. Financially, things are pretty tight here at the Hopkins/Shea household (or as I like to secretly combine our names: the Shopkins household), and we knew that we couldn't really go all out like we would prefer to. Everyone knows the tremendous amount of pressure that Valentine's Day puts on people, regardless of your relationship status. Justin and I have no problem being cheesy silly mushy lovey-dovey barfy all the time. We don't need a special day to profess our passionate, undying love (whoa, are we zombies in love??). And even when you know that V-Day is commercialized, and that you can't afford to splurge on your honey's desire...you would feel horrible if you didn't acknowledge each other. Justin and I, as barfy lovey as we are, we aren't any different. So after deciding we couldn't go out to dinner, and we couldn't go to the movies, we decided to have a completely homemade/handmade Valentine's Day. And it was absolutely wonderful.
On Thursday, the girls made Justin and I Valentines. Pictured above is the superb one that Scarlet crafted for us. I love that it's not red or pink. She insisted on green. You can also see that she colored over the green construction paper with yellow marker. Yay! She plastered it with stickers on both sides. And she wove through the heart the gold ribbon (or whatever you call that). She's nearly four. Genius.
So that night I made Valentines for Indiana and Scarlet (I had already secretly bought Justin a card, otherwise I would have handmade his too--although I sitll get points for adding extra stickers to his card and envelope). I couldn't wait for them to get home from school on Friday so I could give them my cards.
It was ridiculously fun to create these cards, and I loved (loved loved) the girls' reactions when they got them. They each sat in my lap and had me read them outloud. And being that I had used the same supplies they had used just the day before, they knew for sure that I had specially made these cards for them and them alone. They felt pretty special. *I* felt pretty special.
Justin and I made each other feel pretty special when we slept in on Saturday and then focused on preparing dinner for each other that night. After a jaunt to Costco and Fred Meyer, we headed to the Green Valley Meat Market, a local slaughterhouse. We picked up some fresh T-bone steak for dinner and some Polish sausages for breakfast the next morning. I was pretty dang excited for our meal--I loved the idea of us cooking for each other, especially since it is something that we do well together. We make dinner pretty much every night of the week, especially since we have two little girls to feed. We have some staple recipes that are efficient, but delicious, and we trade off preparation responsibilities. Maybe what I love most about making dinner is that Justin always (always) comes up behind me and kisses my neck. It is such a simple gesture, but it absolutely sends me over the moon. It makes me feel incredibly connected to Justin, knowing that he is compelled to show his love for me while I am puttering around in the kitchen being silly and messy and maybe grumpy. The feel of his lips on my neck always makes me pause and close my eyes and sigh. This is how I know we are meant to be together. And it was no different on Valentine's Day, as we both pieced together our dinner.
The steak (a single cut for us to share) was grilled on Justin's tiny gas-grill on our front porch, just a few feet from where he proposed. He decided to also make some jaw-droppingly good mushrooms that were sauteed in butter and then some other things were added, including heavy cream. Ok, so maybe not the healthiest thing ever, but it was Valentine's Day, and we were going to splurge. My goodness they were delicious! We made mashed potatoes, I made some home-made italian dressing for a super fresh salad, and we opened a bottle of red wine that Justin
[Ok, so I really did write this when I was ten. You can tell it's old school because I write like an idiot, and say things like "Jedi warrior" instead of "Jedi knight." Also, I can't account for how my heroine (a not at all disguised older version of myself) and her best friend are sneaking around an enemy ship in the opening scene, but are all locked up later on. That's elementary school continuity for you. Also I use expletives to indicate my chapter breaks. The biggest clue as to when it was written? It's printed out on dot-matrix paper. Yeah, good times. I have intentionally left in any spelling and grammar mistakes. Anyway, please to enjoy...]
Sara Shea and Josephine Rogers walked cautiously down the dimly lit corridor. Their slippered feet made no sound as they continued forward, always looking left and right, and behind them.
So far they had ran into no one, but they had to hide themselves in the shadows more than once.
Their only chance of getting off of ECTO III was Luke Skywalker. He was a Jedi warrior who fought the dark side. He had battled Darth Vader, his once good father turned evil, had saved his sister, Princess Leia more than once, and had destroyed the Emperor of the Dark Side, along with the fatal Death Star. Right now, he was probably fighting numerous Stormtroopers so he could save Sara and Josephine.
Sara had only met Luke once before: at the celebration held in his honor for destroying the Death Star and defeating the Emperor of the Dark Side.
She had fallen in love with him that day. He was very handsome, as most heros are, and he ahd a wonderful personality that all the women loved.
He had taken no notice of her at the property, even though she was the daughter of the Emperor of Endor, and had been introduced to him quite formally. But she continued to love him all the same, and even had a picture of him in her living quarters.
As for her and Josephine being on ECTO III, it was only a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The Dark Lord had decided to take hostages at the Endor City Carnival. Sara and Josephine had wanted to go (they had been best friends for as long as they could remember), and while they were there, the Dark Lord's soldiers grabbed them and took them aboard ECTO III.
The Dark Lord had taken more than fifty hostages, and they were all taken into the main hall so he could talk to them.
The main hall was just a vast, dark room. It was right in the front of ECTO III, so most of it's walls consisted of windows. Almost right in the middle of the room there is the Dark Lord's "throne". He was sitting there when the fifty-two hostages were brought in.
They stood in a group about fifteen feet away from the throne, and all were silent and looking at the ground. Sara and Josephine stood next to each other. Both were terrified of what the Dark Lord might do to them.
He stood up and looked over the crowd. He was of average height, 6'8", and he held himself very tall. He usually kept his face hidden by a large black hood. He dressed in much of the same manner as the Emperor of the Dark Side.
He stepped down from the throne, and walked around the crowd. He stopped in front of an old woman, and looked her over. He lifted up her chin, and turned her head. Everyone could see her tremble under his hand.
"Her,' he said, and led her by the arm to stand next to the throne.
The Dark Lord continued. He did the same to a ten year old boy, and a twenty-three year old woman. He stopped in front of Sara and she held her breath. He turned her head by her chin also, and made her turn around. He put his hands on her shoulders and squeezed them a few times, apparently feeling her strength. He lifted her arm and flexed it, and felt her muscles. He looked at her a long time, and then moved on.
Her breath escaped her very slowly. She looked at Josephine, and her best friend took her hand.
He took a forty year old man in her place, and then a four year old little girl who screamed when she was taken away from her mother.
"Please..." the mother pleaded. "Don't take my baby...Please!"
"Alright," he agreed. "Come here." She waled up to the throne and he handed her child to her, and todl her to stay there. "Good," he said. "I have my five."
All the hostages were led away, and everyone wondered what would happen to them and the chosen five.
The remaining forty-seven were put into a huge cell, while the other five were put in a smaller one down the hall.
All were quiet. They only hoped that back on Endor, someone was trying to rescue them.
Sara and Jo went and huddled together in a corner. "Oh God, Jo, I'm scared. I'm scared. I really am!" Sara whispered.
"Me too," Jo whispered back. "I really hope we get off this cruddy ship real soon."
"Yeah." Sara looked around nervously. The cell was dark, and cold, and dingy. It looked like it hadn't been used before, and had been neglected. There was at least two inches of dust covering the floor.
"I wonder what he wanted with five people," Jo whispered.
"I dunno. But I really certainly hope it's good he didn't take me."
Her best friend nodded.
!@#$%^&*()
Back on Endor, the Emperor had been infromed that the Dark Lord had taken fifty-two hostages, including his daughter and her best friend. He called all the Jedi warriors who were on Endor to come to the palace right away, so that they could somehow rescue them.
Among the many warriors were Luke Skywalker, who brought along Han Solo, Chewbacca, C3PO, R2D2, and Princess Leia. They were all good friends, and Luke hardly went on an adventure without them.
The Emperor was frantic. His youngest daughter had been abducted by the leader of the Dark Side, and he would be given hell for letting fifty-two innocent people be taken aboard an enemy ship. He expressed his fears of some of the hostages being killed, and then Endor would have to surrender to the Dark Lord so he wouldn't kill anymore.
"What do you want us to do, your Majesty?" asked Joel, one of the Jedi warriors.
"I want at least six of you to sneak on board and try to rescue them. Try to rescue as many as possible. But you must try everything possible to rescue my daughter Sara and her daughter Josephine."
"Who are you going to send?" Luke asked, a gleam in his eye. He knew who the Emperor would send. He always sent the same people.
"I think I'll send my six best men," the Emperor said. "Joel Penning, Derek Winter, Timothy Daley, Allen Romell, Eric Dillwaker, and, of course, Luke Skywalker." The Emperor grinned.
"Of course Skywalker!" everybody laughed. Luke was liked very much by all who knew him, because he had genuine charm, and a warm, compassionate heart. He was an all around nice guy.
"You will leave tomorrow morning." the Emperor said. "Get aboard ECTO III any way you can and rescue those hostages!"
Later that night, Leia found Luke looking out at the palace courtyard. She came up behind him, and put her hand on his shoulder. "Hey...what's wrong?"
He turned around, his handsome face surprisingly solemn. "I don't know. It's just hard to believe the Dark Side has risen again. I thought for sure that is was all going to be over after, after..." He looked away/
"It's okay." She rubbed his back. "Don't let it get you, Luke. Remember how good you did before? You'll probably beat the Dark Lord in a couple of days. Just get a good night's rest so you can go rescue those fifty-two hostages tomorrow." She smiled at him, and he smiled back.
"Okay. Thanks." He leaned over and kissed his sister on the cheek, and walked inside to his quarters.
Leia smiled and shook her head, and then she took went inside.
!@#$%^&*()
The next morning, everyone woke up bright and early so they could send off the Jedi warriors without much of a comotion.
Luke was dressed in a black outfit, just like the other men, and his lightsaber was in his belt. His blue eyes looked blankly around. He was remembering his father, who was the old Dark Lord, Darth Vader. He had been a Jedi warrior himself, but the Dark Side had filled his mind with evil and had turned him against his own people. The new Dark Lord hadn't been brainwashed. In fact, the Dark Side had almost vanished from existence once Luke had destroyed Darth Vader and the Emperor. All the Dark Side needed was a being who already wanted to do away with all good, and then he needed to becme a powerful leader. And so the new leader had decided to take the name of the former ruler: the Dark Lord. And he was already doing a very good job of striking fear in the heart of many.
Finally Luke and the five other men were lead out to the ship that would take them up to ECTO III. It was planned that another ship would attack ECTO, so that the rescuers could sneak aboard.
Han, Leia, Chewie, R2D2, and C3PO were all there to see the gallant young commander off. It was a dangerous job, nobody could deny that, but they all wished they could help in some way or another.
"Good luck," said Han, but he knew he didn't have to say that. Luke always saved the day.
Chewbacca agreed with a load Wookiee moan.
Luke just smiled at him.
"Hurry back, Master Luke," C3PO said. "We don't want to lose you." R2 whistled his concern.
"Thanks, 3PO, R2," the young Jedi said, absentmindedly. His thoughts were up on ECTO III, and the fifty-two hostages whose lives were in danger. He said nothing more, but boarded the ship with a little way. They all waved back.
!@#$%^&*()
On ECTO III, the chosen five were in grave danger. They were lined up along a wall of the main hall.
[Yep, this is where it ends. AWESOME!]
So.
We are moved into the house.
Nothing is organized, but everyone has a place to sleep.
It's all a bit more expensive than we thought, and we pretty much have no money.
The furnace is acting up, and our water heater is not functioning right now.
Still.
The house is wonderful.
It is perfect, despite the things that aren't working right now. All of those things can be taken care of.
It truly feels like my home.
I have been living out of a suitcase more or less over the last year and a half, so this change makes sense.
But I never really felt at home in all of the apartments I've lived in over the last ten years.
I look around at this house and feel...even with all the clutter and chaos and confusion...I feel settled.
I feel like this is where I want, and need, to be.
This house is our house, and it will be filled with laughter and love.
This house is the craziest thing that has ever happened to me.
It is representative of so many wonderful dreams.
It will surely make us cranky from time to time, but you know what? I would rather have that than not have it.
I was pleasantly surprised this weekend when Justin and I felt totally overwhelmed and stressed out, and instead of yelling at each other for no reason, we just collapsed in fits of giggles, marveling at all the hard work we have been doing.
I am pretty much ready to spend the next 20-30 years here.
It may take that long to unpack everything and get situated, but still.
This is my house, and I love everyone and everything in it.
There is so much to say, and yet it feels like a task I am unworthy to do. I have a hundred little stories I want to tell, and then I feel empty inside. Each time I reach into myself to bring a story forth, it eludes my grasp.. I feel tired just thinking about writing it. Perhaps this is because I know I could write endlessly. Because I know I could never do the story justice. Because I don't know how to share the joy and grief that I feel about the wonderful celebration of my brother's life. There's a thought that worries me, and I am afraid to say it out loud: This is the third year. There will certainly be more years to follow. But what if they decide to not do it anymore? What if a year comes and there is no Tim Shea Day because it has lost its relevance? I don't know if I can face that day. Maybe I won't have to face that day. Maybe it will happen after I'm gone too. Maybe I will never have to know that Tim doesn't stir the hearts of everyone who has heard of him. But for now, I can relish the fact that he is something of a legend in the area we grew up in, and that so far, he is nowhere near being forgotten.
Tim and I attended high school at St. Vincent de Paul in Petaluma,
Here are some things printed out about my brother for Tim Shea Day:
Ok. This is what I can get out for now. This is a start. I am remembering to breathe. I am inhaling, I am exhaling. I will tell the story. Even if this is all I can tell at this moment.We have recently combined the traditional afternoon "Day on the Green" yearbook signing party with the
remembrance of Tim Shea--or Tim Shea Day. By beginning this day with a liturgy to celebrate the end of the year and all that has been accomplished, the life and service of Tim Shea, and to say goodbye as a student body to the seniors we can pull this whole day together and provide the ending celebration of the year for all the students, not just the seniors. Our school motto: "Enter to learn and leave to serve" pretty much sums up the day...
Many of us may not have known Tim personally, but he touched the Saint Vincent community with his fun loving heart. Today is about celebrating Tim's life and attitude towards life. Let Tim remind us today, and every day, to appreciate the true friends that we have in our lives. Tim was described as the definition of a true friend. He treated other people with respect and never said anything bad about anyone. He had a sense of humor that lightened the mood of the classroom and was passionate about history. He also knew how to have a good time. He had a gift of always seeing the positive in any situation, and it brightened the day of his classmates. His memory lives on at SV through the "truffle shuffle" and the SV psychos [note: I have no idea what the "SV psychos are...]. Tim joined the Army in 2003, 2 years after graduation in 2001. Tim left us at 22 years old, while serving his country when he was killed in Afghanistan. [note: this is incorrect...Tim was killed in Iraq...funny how the facts are already getting skewed only 2.5 years in...] We are blessed with the presence of Tim's parents, Mary and William Shea who remain active in the SV community. Tim will forever be in the heart of Saint Vincents.
Check back for a full update on the activities on Friday, May 23, 2008. I have lots of pictures and lots of stories. For now, let me leave you with two Tim-isms..."It's all good!" and something he said to his friends before he joined Basic Training....it's hard to read, but it's Tim all the way:
"Look, if I die in the Army, do not cry, don't be sad, just throw a big party in my honor and make sure everyone has a good time on me."
That's my brufer.
You don't even just have to do it on Memorial Day. Any day is a great day to show your gratitude. Watch the video, and see if you don't get a little choked up. I did.
This resonates with me because I want to say thank you, but am terrified of actually having to say anything. Having lost my brother in the war, the sight of every service person tugs at my heartstrings. I want to say hello, I want to say I understand, I want to share my family's story...but I worry about crossing the line and making them feel uncomfortable. And now, finally, here is something we all can do, without saying a word.
Screams like a girl.
Sings like a crooner.
Growls like Satan.
Holds a microphone like it's a weapon.
Dances like he's possessed.
Grimaces like he's constipated.
Every word he speaks sounds like an orgasm.
Wears sexy like it's going out of style.
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